


Heroine

by harrysnightingale



Series: Better Off Dead [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:21:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26384062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrysnightingale/pseuds/harrysnightingale
Summary: Sequel to Better Off Dead.After getting released from the institution, the boys have to deal with 'normal' life. Can they do it? Or will they retreat to their old ways?Trigger warning: self-harm, depression, eating disorder, anxiety, talk of abuse, sexual harassment. Individual warning will be placed at the beginning of every chapter.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Series: Better Off Dead [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1917487
Kudos: 6





	1. my eyes roll back

February 19th, 2017.

"Maybe you just need to lower your expectations, Louis." 

"And maybe you need to stop lying to me! I can see it in your dilated eyes, you dumbass! Why can't you just admit you've been doing coke?" Louis' voice was strong, he was standing his ground this time. The other three times they had this fight, he crumbled into a weak mess and just let Harry go. It was easier than facing the truth.

"I'm not doing drugs again! You have no fucking faith in me, you never did!" Harry's words were slurred. They always were. The drugs in his system made it hard to form a coherent thought... but that was how he liked it. "You selfish prick, you only want me around because you can't seem to find a fucking job. What's wrong, Louis? No one wants to hire a prissy bitch?" 

Louis just rolled his eyes and went to the living room. He sat down on the couch and watched as their cat climbed into his lap. It cheered him up a little. But when Harry followed behind with his coat on and his wallet and keys in his hand, Louis had to squeeze his eyes shut. "Harry, come on. Just sit down and watch a movie with me. We can talk in the morning." He pleaded quietly, looking over at his boyfriend.

"Piss off." The last thing Louis heard was the door slamming shut. After an hour, Louis got up and locked the door before he went into the kitchen and got out his dinner. A small portion of chicken and a salad. Harry was on a whole meal prepping kick, so he had perfectly portioned dinners for Louis since he usually worked nights and he just wanted to make sure the small boy ate enough during the day. 

It was four in the morning when Louis finally called the police. It was obvious that Harry was being stubborn and not coming home, and honestly? Louis was worried sick. He tried everything to stay calm, even wearing Harry's clothes and laying on his side of the bed, but it didn't work. He called the police and gave them a description of his boyfriend, what he was wearing, and things of that nature.

It was six in the morning when Louis got a call back. It was from the officer on his case and it didn't sound good. He had Louis come down to the hospital (which he could walk to, luckily) and from there, Officer Hood informed Louis that they had found Harry in an area of town that was notorious for drug use. Louis wasn't surprised. 

He was surprised to find out that Harry had overdosed. He was still in rocky condition, but he was stable enough to breathe and be awake. Louis called Liam, threw up in the bathroom, and then walked down the long hallway to Harry's room. When he walked in the room, the first thing he could think to do was go over to the bed and slap Harry across the face. 

"You're a fucking idiot, Harry. You could- you almost died." Louis' bottom lip was quivering then. "Was it worth it? Was getting high worth risking your life? Leaving me?" 

Harry could not even make eye contact with Louis. 

"I wouldn't have been so mad if you just... if you told me, Harry. We have seen each other at our worsts and still found a way to love one another, so why couldn't you just tell me? Or let me help?" 

Harry still could not make eye contact with Louis. He felt... gross? Ashamed? He felt horrible. And honestly, he did not have an answer to his boyfriend's questions. He could not understand why he did everything he did. Hell, he was still trying to figure out why he did it the first time. 

"Say something, Harry. Fucking say something." Louis pleaded; his eyes shut after that to hide the tears that were burning behind his eyelids. 

"I don't know what to say, Lou. I fucked up; I know. I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I couldn't just come clean and tell you about it." He answered truthfully, finally glancing over at Louis. "I thought I was strong enough to do this on my own." Harry shook his head, a pitiful and humorless laugh leaving his chapped lips, "I'm sorry." 

"You should be!" Louis yelled, tears falling from his eyes. He knew better than to be mad at Harry, he truly did. Louis knew that this was an ongoing battle, it always would be an ongoing battle. "Every time you come home, and your eyes are red and dilated, and... and your words are slurred and slow, I... fuck." Louis had to pause and take a breath before continuing, "I let it slide at first. I figured you were just tired, that you stopped off at Liam and Niall's for a few drinks before coming home. I wanted to trust you. I wanted to trust that you cared more about your recovery to do something as stupid as relapse. But then I confronted you the first time, and you told me 'no, baby, I wouldn't do that.' Bullshit! You were doing it the whole time! The second time I confronted you, you yelled at me and threatened to leave! And I let you walk out that door, knowing you were going to get high and not come back for hours, you were gone for a day! Liam had to leave work to go pick you up somewhere!" Harry wanted to crumble. He wanted to sink down into this mattress and disappear. "And now you have the nerve to lay there and laugh! I was worried sick last night, Harry!" Despite his tears, Louis moved closer to Harry and cupped the lad's cheeks, forcing his boyfriend to make eye contact with him. "Do you not realise how much I love you, Harry? You... you're my soulmate. You held me during my worst times, you comforted me when I was having breakdowns, you sat with me for hours sometimes until I could finish a meal and you never complained once. You even called out of work to hold me all day when I was on the verge of a relapse. You did all of that for me because you love me, you helped me because I came to you and told you something was wrong. Why can't you let me do the same? Why... why can't you just let me be there for you? That's all I want. I just want both of us to be healthy and to have that kind of relationship." 

Harry had tears in his eyes at that point, one of his hands reaching up to set on Louis' wrist gently. "I love you, H. I love you more than anything in this entire fucking world. And I want you to get better." 

"I love you too." Harry whispered finally, blinking back his tears. "I'm sorry." That's all he could say. That was all that felt right enough to say. "I'm so sorry, Lou. I thought I was strong enough." 

"I don't want you to be strong, I want you to stay alive." Louis whispered, leaning into kiss Harry's chin in a soft manner. It was moments later that a doctor came in, going over Harry's condition with them both. 

"Because of the severity of the situation, it was ruled an attempted suicide." Harry cringed at that word. Attempted. He had attempted suicide many times, and this was not one of them. But he had no energy to fight. "Even though you're of legal age, Mr. Styles, we're going to put you into a psychiatric facility for at least three days as a preventative suicide watch. From there, the therapists there will determine if you're stable enough to leave or if you need to stay for a bit longer." Harry's mouth went absolutely bone dry. 

"What... what facility?" Louis asks slowly, holding onto Harry's hand tightly. 

"Willow Top Psychiatric Facility. It's located here, not too far away." Fuck.


	2. the ceiling fades

tw: mentions of self-harm and suicide

zayn makes an appearance??

...

February 20th, 2017

Louis is struggling, that much is certain. Harry's being admitted today, this is the last hour that he will be able to be in his lover's presence.

"Take care of him." Harry is speaking to Niall, who nods and squeezes his mate's hand.

"O-of course, H." The blonde-haired lad assured, taking a deep breath afterwards.

"We can only care for him for so long, mate. You got to be around to do the rest." That was Liam. "Gotta be around for our wedding." Liam nudged Niall lightly. The two weren't engaged yet, but hints kept being dropped. There was no doubt that a proposal would be soon.

"And our wedding." Louis sniffled, holding Harry's hand tightly.

"Are you proposing to me?" Harry asked, a hint of a smile on his face.

"Not yet." The small lad murmured, sniffling a bit more. He did lean down though, giving his boyfriend a loving kiss.

"If H-Harry wasn't getting sent o-off today, I'd be dis-disgusted." Niall cringed from the kiss. Liam smiled at his lover and shook his head.

"Alright, Harry. It's time." The nurse came in, her voice gentle and inviting. She was an older lady with tanned skin and long brown hair that was pulled back into a pretty braid. Harry frowned when he was informed of that, his eyes going to Louis almost instantly.

"Please take care of yourself, lovely Lou. I don't wanna see you end up back there too." He mumbled, reaching out to cup his lover's cheeks. Harry had been sitting on the edge of his bed and Louis was standing between his legs, so it was easy to lean up and kiss the shorter man.

"I will. I love you." Louis tried to be strong for now. He didn't want to seem like a complete mess.

"I love you too, my baby. I love you more than there are stars in the night sky. And I'll be thinking of you every time I look up and see them." Harry pulled Louis in for a tight hug, then stood up and did the same with the other two. Once their goodbyes were done, that was it.

Harry was gone.

Liam and Niall took Louis home, staying with him for the night. Liam helped Louis go grocery shopping for some necessities that he would need soon. Niall cooked dinner. He cooked more than necessary so that Louis could have extras to eat for the next few days. Hopefully, Harry would only be gone for a few days.

Louis wasn't sure if he could survive without his Harry for longer than three days, especially knowing that Harry was back in that institution.

...

Meanwhile, Harry had just arrived at the doors of the institution that changed his life the first time around. What was going to happen the second time? Harry didn't want to find out. He wanted to turn around and run all the way home to his lover and his cat. Unfortunately, that wouldn't be happening, seeing as how he was ushered into the reception area and greeted immediately by a chipper woman with gorgeous hazel eyes. 

"Harry Styles for check-in." One of the men behind him said.

"Harry Styles?" That voice was familiar. "Harry St—oh my God! Harry!" It was Shannon! She looked the same as before, her hair was a bit longer now though. She came up to Harry and instantly hugged him. Harry forgot how much he missed her hugs—they were like mum hugs. "I thought I'd never see you again. I was hoping I'd never see you again."

Harry hung his head in shame when Shannon said that. 

"But never mind that. You will get his things checked in, yeah? Hand me his chart, I'll get him settled in his room." Harry was at least glad that he knew someone here, it wasn't nearly as scary as the first time he came into this institution. "How is everyone? How is Louis?" She nudged Harry playfully as they walked down the hall. 

"He's good," Harry felt himself smile slowly. "He... he looks great. He smiles a lot more, he wears short-sleeved shirts, he—," Harry cut himself off when he looked at one of the rooms they passed. 

It was Zayn's old room. 

It wasn't a bedroom anymore; it was an art therapy room. It even had Zayn's picture and a plaque out front that read: 

In loving memory of Zayn J Malik.

1993 – 2015

"Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time."

"Do you like it? We had it done about a month after Louis got out. He always told us he wanted to do something in Zayn's honour, so we did this." Shannon explained, smiling small as she remembered Zayn. His impact was so clear around the hospital and the staff, no on ever had a bad thing to say about him. 

"I think Louis would love it." Harry nodded, tear forming as he read over the plaque a few more times. "And Liam." And Niall, of course, but Liam was the one that had been affected the most after Zayn's death. Poor thing had been so shaken up. 

Shannon cooed softly and rubbed Harry's back lightly. "Let's get you to your room and we can chat a bit more before your therapy session, okay?" The lad nodded and allowed Shannon to lead the way to his room that he would be staying in. Nothing had changed, the paint was still the same, the pictures on the wall were still the same, everything looked exactly as it had when he had left. 

In a way, it was comforting. Although he also hoped that this would only be his room for the next three days before he goes back to his home. To Louis. 

Once his things were all settled, he and Shannon spoke for a few moments about some things, just catching up. Harry filled Shannon in on everything. Because despite it having not really been too long since they had been together, it was still long enough for some changes to happen. 

"Niall is letting his brown roots grow out finally, all of the blonde is gone. Liam says it makes him look like a proper Irishman." Shannon laughed when she was told that. "Louis looks so good; he wears a medium now. He still likes to wear my clothes all the time though." Harry found himself smiling as he spoke about his lover. Shannon noticed, which only caused her to smile as well. 

"You two are so in love, it seems. Maybe even more so than you were when you were both here." Which, if she remembered correctly, was a hard task. Those two were always hanging off each other like lovesick puppies. 

"We are," Harry murmured, biting his bottom lip briefly. "I'm in love with him. Couldn't imagine being away from him." That made him frown slightly because now, obviously, he was without Louis. 

"I'll leave you to get settled before your therapy session. You know where to find me if you need me." Shannon gave the lad a small smile and then she was gone, making her way down the hallway to where the nurses would usually stay. 

Harry let out a small sigh and looked down at his bed. He really didn't have anything to unpack, the clothes the institution provided him were already put neatly away into the dresser. There was a fresh set of sheets on his bed, the blinds were open to let light into his room. One thing he noticed, however, was that the beds were now bolted down, and the sheets were secured around the mattresses. Harry's mind drifted instantly to Zayn. He didn't know if the lad was still... here. If his soul ever got to rest, or if he just wanders these halls at night. Maybe he wanders around outside since he always felt so small being secured by these four walls. 

Harry hoped that Zayn was happy, wherever he was. Maybe he finally found the peace he had been waiting for. Longing for. 

Suicide was something that Harry always thought about. He attempted it a few times before he was brought here the first time. Every time he would attempt to take his own life, he always felt even more depressed when he would wake up the next morning. One time he had taken a bunch of pills and went to sleep after praying to whatever God there was that he wouldn't wake up. Imagine his disappointment when he did, in fact, wake up the next morning. Death always seemed like something comforting to him, it felt like the hug of an old friend. 

He understood why Zayn took his own life. Harry would've probably attempted too if it wasn't for Louis. He would be another plaque in this hospital. He'd be another statistic for teen suicide rates.

"Hi! You must be Harry!" A chipper voice ripped Harry from his thoughts. "I'm Jack." The man held his hand out for Harry.

Harry just stared at the hand. 

"Right..." Jack retracted his hand. "Well, it's nice to meet you. I'm across the hall in room 32." 

Room 32? Why did that sound familiar... 

"We haven't had someone new arrive in a while. Which, I guess, is a good thing. I hope it's a good thing. Maybe things are getting better on the outside, maybe people are nicer. Are they nicer? I've been here for three years; I don't remember much of the outside. I was allowed to go home for the holidays two years ago, but I relapsed. I used to cut myself. Got some pretty nasty scars on my arms." Jack even pulled his sleeve up and Harry almost threw up. Not because the scars were gross or anything, shit, Harry had his own scars. But it made him think of hurting himself – something he hadn't done in a year. "This is the one I made when I was sent home for Christmas. Hurt for so long afterwards, but I felt better," he let out a laugh. "But anyway, I—," 

"I gotta go." Harry mumbled, brushing past Jack as he left the room. His room. He would just go to the rec room for a bit before his therapy session, he didn't want to spend another moment with this lad. 

February 23rd, 2017

Harry was holding back tears as he walked back towards his room. He passed by Shannon, brushed past Jack and went directly to his room. The news he had heard in his therapy session was soul-crushing. He wasn't leaving, he had to stay. For how long? Harry had no fucking clue. Dr Sheeran didn't give him that exact date. Fuck. 

The thing that hurt the worst was that Harry was alone now, he had no one to go run to. Louis wasn't in the library, Niall and Liam weren't in the rec room playing Go Fish... Zayn wasn't in his room (even though he hadn't been there in years). He was alone. Harry was alone, again. He had no one to go to for comfort, no one to be held by and told that everything will be alright. 

"Harry? Hey, I know what could cheer you up. Let's call Louis, yeah? I know you miss his voice, I'm sure he feels the same about you." Shannon murmured, walking into Harry's room so she could check in on the lad. After all, that was her job at the end of the day. To ensure that Harry didn't harm himself in any way, especially not by taking this out on himself and causing more damage than he already had. 

Instead of the response she was hoping for, she got a big mumbled and slurred response of: "I can't talk to him I can't tell him I'm not allowed to go home he's gonna be so upset and not wanna talk to me again and he's gonna tell me that its all my fault and I know it is but I just wanna make him happy and all I ever do is make him sad and make him worry about me and I just love him too much to do that." 

"You don't make him sad, Harry. He gets sad because he feels the exact same way about you and he just wants nothing more than to make sure that you're okay. He wants you to be okay." Shannon said with a small frown, walking closer to the bed so that she could put her hand on Harry's shoulder, rubbing it gently. "He loves you just as much as you love him. Why don't you call him and just explain what's happening, yeah? Poor thing it probably worried sick about you. If you want, I'll even be the one to call him. I'll tell him. But we gotta make sure that he knows, and he isn't worried about you."

With a sniffle, Harry slowly got up. At least he could talk to Louis for a few moments. 

...


End file.
